I was talking to a friend the other day about Death.
I have never really been a fan of death, for obvious reasons, but have made it a bit of a goal to travel the journey and start to get to understand it better.
I’m not trying to be dark and dreary here at all, and there is nothing morbid about this quest I am on, I am just hoping that by taking it I will have found a respect for death, while quelling my fear of it somewhat.
I used to ignore death. I would hide from it, pretend it didn’t exist. I would shun it, refuse to accept it or to view its journey towards the people I loved.
But, you can’t ignore death…. ever.
With each moment that happened in my life where death had arrived I would fight. I would be angry and fearful. I would refuse it. I would deny it. It would push and push and I would not allow it to arrive in my mind.
With the loss of so many little souls on a farm, and in my life, I am trying to quell my feelings towards it. I am trying to see the journey life gave us, versus the life that death took. I am trying to focus on the purpose of death, not the lack of one, and through that journey I can see that “sometimes” there is one.
Not always though, or at least not always one I can see.
I have analyzed my grief a lot in the last few years, trying to understand where it’s depths came from. Why it was so fierce?
I feel that my intense grief usually came from a place of guilt. I felt that I had not been there, or done enough. I felt that I was not doing enough since they had passed to appreciate their memory, or joined them on their journey towards guest, as a passenger on their ride. A hand to hold, and someone to accept it with them.
So, as I continue to define my path towards death I am trying to come face to face with it when it lingers. I am trying to be present in the moment so I can offer my support, or my skills, to either allow the passing to be more gentle, or to fight it off all together.
Death is never a welcome visitor, but sometimes it is one that is there none the less, and perhaps if we take a moment and look him in the eye, we will build a mutual respect for what he brings.